Submission

乖

After many years of conditioning, I think I've finally attained the state of "乖" ("gwai"). It has become one of the more frequently used adjectives when relatives describe and/or attempt to compliment me.

The adjective describing good behaviour or, less glamourously, submissiveness and the expected state of any child. I don't know how conscious a decision it was for me to embody that quality but, for better or for worse, it is now a central aspect of me.

I guess it has its roots in my constant desire to receive good will from others. Since I come into contact with my extended family a lot, naturally, a part of me just tries to play the role of the obedient younger person placating their whatever expectations.

As I look back, I see that attitude spill into the other aspects of my life, most prominently in my volunteerism. I volunteer a lot (i.e. work for free). I've always tried to keep a positive outlook and do my best, even if there really is no apparent benefit other than a gentle nod from my supervisors. The goal was to impress them so that they would finally give me a job but that obviously wasn't always the case. And, sometimes, when I get unlucky, I get the distinct impression that they are slightly taking advantage of my good will.

And now here I am. Certainly, 乖 can describe me. But what use is that now that I'm 24, now that I am no longer a child (or shouldn't be anyway)? After the years of submissive volunteer work and the submissive robotic memorization of two degrees that never required a noticeable level of critical thinking, I sit here realizing that most of the things I've done have been to satisfy demands outside of myself.

A while back I happened across a few talks by Noam Chomsky and he talked about how one of the goals of the school system was to promote obedience and submission, to instill into people the notion of "doing things for the sake of doing them", such as meaningless assignments. And, boy, that sure was an eye-opener. If only it were isolated to my school experience but no, that sense of submission has, unfortunately, permeated quite well into my approach to life.

Well, that's no good, it's no good at all.